Idiot TV

While channel surfing during lunch last week, I came across My Games Fever TV. Every aspect of this program (except one) made me feel enraged, dirty and ashamed; ashamed that I live in a society full of Idiots that directly support this type of programming.

Have you seen this?

My Games Fever is a live-broadcast game show in which the alternating hosts display word finds and other "puzzles" on the screen and encourage the audience (anyone watching can become a call-in contestant) to text message the game show to give their answer. Here are the kickers:

• It costs 99 cents to send a text message to the show.
• The show's producers - once they receive your message - may or may not call you back to give you an on-air opportunity to answer the question. If you don't receive a call from them immediately after sending your text message, they encourage you to try again by sending them another text message (costing another 99 cents).
• If the producers do call you back, then you are put into a queue and the game show host may or may not take your call live on air. (But don't worry, if they don't get to your call during this round, you can text them back - yes, another 99 cents - next round.)

Are you effing kidding me? So let me get this straight: You pay them to maybe call you back and maybe put you on hold. Maybe, eventually, they'll take your call. If not, you can text message and pay them again to maybe put you on hold again.

Just like I am when driving by the scene of a gruesome traffic accident, I was horribly drawn to gawk at this intellectual catastrophe. I totally rubber-necked; I googled the show, and watched again over lunch this afternoon. Just like last week's show, the hostess played a game called "Count the YoYo's". (Dumb.) She displayed a checker board full of "Y"s and "O"s on the television screen and asked the contestants to count the "YoYo"s, without bothering to explaining the rules. (Can the YoYos go backward, forward, diagonal? Can they overlap? It's a mystery! Just count the YoYo's, Idiot! And send them your money. Again.) At one point the producers jacked the prize for the correct answer to $20,000, and then they dropped it back down to $5,000 without or explanation or justification. I watched in horror as call-in contestants gave answers ranging from 7 up to 950. Eventually, the hostess moved on to another puzzle without ever awarding the YoYo prize to anyone! Nice try, Idiots. Thanks for playing (and paying).

Throughout the program, the producers play sound bites of people cheering and yelling and whistling. They blow off digital confetti on the screen. It's all very festive... for an Idiot. They even display a gigantic cell phone on stage to demonstrate to viewers how to send a text message.

If there is one redeeming factor to the show, it's the semi-hot hostesses. They talk constantly, but they also sing, dance, shake and jiggle. And when they overheat, they use giant one hundred dollar bills to fan their sweaty, heaving, er, brows. At first glance, you might guess that these hostesses are Idiots themselves, but consider: They are the ones bilking the true Idiots out of their 99 cents (again, that's per text message).

I admit it, I was fascinated by the whole experience, but at the same time, I could feel my IQ slowly slipping to the middle double digits. I was becoming dumber by the minute while I stayed tune. As the show progressed, I couldn't help but cringe as I listened to callers - callers who had obviously been horribly beaten with the Idiot Stick at some point - provide wrong answers. Oooooh, too bad buddy. Only 99 cents to try again.

I guess that the society we live in will eventually deem this type of television show illegal. There is no question it's a losing proposition for most contestants. But such is the nature of gambling, right? I estimate that 99.9% of our population capable of watching television and dialing a cell phone has received compulsory government-sponsored training to understand the consequences of participating in such a program. It's called the second grade.