Idiot TV

While channel surfing during lunch last week, I came across My Games Fever TV. Every aspect of this program (except one) made me feel enraged, dirty and ashamed; ashamed that I live in a society full of Idiots that directly support this type of programming.

Have you seen this?

My Games Fever is a live-broadcast game show in which the alternating hosts display word finds and other "puzzles" on the screen and encourage the audience (anyone watching can become a call-in contestant) to text message the game show to give their answer. Here are the kickers:

• It costs 99 cents to send a text message to the show.
• The show's producers - once they receive your message - may or may not call you back to give you an on-air opportunity to answer the question. If you don't receive a call from them immediately after sending your text message, they encourage you to try again by sending them another text message (costing another 99 cents).
• If the producers do call you back, then you are put into a queue and the game show host may or may not take your call live on air. (But don't worry, if they don't get to your call during this round, you can text them back - yes, another 99 cents - next round.)

Are you effing kidding me? So let me get this straight: You pay them to maybe call you back and maybe put you on hold. Maybe, eventually, they'll take your call. If not, you can text message and pay them again to maybe put you on hold again.

Just like I am when driving by the scene of a gruesome traffic accident, I was horribly drawn to gawk at this intellectual catastrophe. I totally rubber-necked; I googled the show, and watched again over lunch this afternoon. Just like last week's show, the hostess played a game called "Count the YoYo's". (Dumb.) She displayed a checker board full of "Y"s and "O"s on the television screen and asked the contestants to count the "YoYo"s, without bothering to explaining the rules. (Can the YoYos go backward, forward, diagonal? Can they overlap? It's a mystery! Just count the YoYo's, Idiot! And send them your money. Again.) At one point the producers jacked the prize for the correct answer to $20,000, and then they dropped it back down to $5,000 without or explanation or justification. I watched in horror as call-in contestants gave answers ranging from 7 up to 950. Eventually, the hostess moved on to another puzzle without ever awarding the YoYo prize to anyone! Nice try, Idiots. Thanks for playing (and paying).

Throughout the program, the producers play sound bites of people cheering and yelling and whistling. They blow off digital confetti on the screen. It's all very festive... for an Idiot. They even display a gigantic cell phone on stage to demonstrate to viewers how to send a text message.

If there is one redeeming factor to the show, it's the semi-hot hostesses. They talk constantly, but they also sing, dance, shake and jiggle. And when they overheat, they use giant one hundred dollar bills to fan their sweaty, heaving, er, brows. At first glance, you might guess that these hostesses are Idiots themselves, but consider: They are the ones bilking the true Idiots out of their 99 cents (again, that's per text message).

I admit it, I was fascinated by the whole experience, but at the same time, I could feel my IQ slowly slipping to the middle double digits. I was becoming dumber by the minute while I stayed tune. As the show progressed, I couldn't help but cringe as I listened to callers - callers who had obviously been horribly beaten with the Idiot Stick at some point - provide wrong answers. Oooooh, too bad buddy. Only 99 cents to try again.

I guess that the society we live in will eventually deem this type of television show illegal. There is no question it's a losing proposition for most contestants. But such is the nature of gambling, right? I estimate that 99.9% of our population capable of watching television and dialing a cell phone has received compulsory government-sponsored training to understand the consequences of participating in such a program. It's called the second grade.

Hey Idiot, answer questions much?!

Hey, Idiot! Let me ask you a question. Oops, I already tried that, and got a dumb-mouth answer. Three words come to mind......... DON'T NEED IT! When I come in to do my job, a job which others in the company refuse to do, or are just too lazy, I would appreciate not being critizied in the manner of how I complete this job. To make a long story short, I had paper work to do and used the company conference table to do it. Considering this particular task goes much faster with a large work space (like a conference table), I utilized the the large table. Makes sense, doesn't it idiot? However I was surprised when I arrived at work the following day and had a message on the white board that read "Please do not use the conference table for updates." Hey idiot, let's run through a few things first.
#1) You are an idiot!
#2) You saw me in the conference room yesterday, why did you not address this "problem" at that time?
#3) What kind of idiot is so apprehensive about confrontation that they avoid the issue while it is happening, and write a spineless message on the whiteboard the following day?
#4) Do you know that you are indeed an idiot?
#5) Would it help if I were to call you an idiot, so you can in return identify yourself as an idiot?
So, to continue with my story. After I read the idiot message on the whiteboard, I asked the idiot's wife (who works in the office as the accounts receivable rep) "Who wrote the message on the whiteboard?" Well, as it turns out, the wife is also an idiot. Basically, I am surrounded by idiots. The idiot wife (whom we will now refer to as idiot #2) responded with "Well, _____ (insert idiot #1's name) paid a lot of money for the table." HEY DUMB IDIOT, that's not the question I asked. Seeing that I was dealing with what appeared to be a classic idiot, I approached it from a different avenue. "Is there a problem with the table? " I asked. Idiot #2's response "I hope there are no scratches on it, but the next thing I will do is look." Although the answer was consistent in the idiot dumb mouth department, I at least have to give her points for fluency of conversation. I asked a question, and she responded with an ass like, but adequate answer. Congratulations idiot #2, you are capable of carrying on a conversation.
The point of the story is simple. At my work, tables are to be looked at.

Hey Idiot, I am not running a non profit, unadvertised yard sale!

Hey Idiot! I'm talking to the idiot that casually walked off with my 2006 Ryobi weed-eater this past Sunday afternoon. Last time I checked, when an item is on a persons private property and not marked for sale, it usually does not mean "Hey, come and take me." Also, when someone is clearly mowing their lawn, and a lawn care tool or item is present, a trained chimp can recognize that the item might be used later in the lawn care maintenance process. Apparently I was the victum of blatant idoitism. At Sunday, at approximately 12:40 PM, I walked to the front of my house to find out that an idiot had mistakenly identified my house as an unadvertised, non profit yard sale. So, let me be clear to all idiots. If I intend to sell an item, you will see idiot proof labels directing you to my sale (these are called advertisements). Also, at no time would I ever consider conducting a "Come help yourself to my stuff for free," type of sale. With these perameters set forth, I hope we can avoid any further incidents of your idiot thought patterns affecting me.